Trump Pardons Mr. Burns

SPRINGFIELD – In a move that shocked even Republicans, President Donald Trump pardoned C. Montgomery Burns, the cartoon billionaire made famous by The Simpsons, from any crime committed since the show began approximately 30 years ago.

“I have never seen someone treated as unfairly as Mr. Burns, besides me of course. I know what it’s like to be so great and to have everyone against you,” said Trump. “Here we have this tremendous businessman, who employs thousands of people in a small town, and, except for Smithers, not one person has thanked him for all that he does. How stupid are the people of Springfield?”

Like most individuals being considered for pardons by Trump, Burns is a member of the NRA, a registered Republican, and suspected of ties to the Nazi party. Following his pardon, he will no longer be liable for a range of crimes, including bribing Mayor Quimby and other city officials, breaking environmental regulations by dumping nuclear waste into Springfield’s waterways, hunting endangered animals for his own wardrobe, and even blocking out the sun as part of an extortion plan to force Springfield residents to buy more energy from his power plant.

Reached for comment, Burns indicated he was pleased with his pardon. “I’m planning to celebrate tonight by playing some favorite records on my gramophone and enjoying some so-called iced cream.”

Trump was eager to note that this is just the beginning of a “flurry” of pardons before he leaves office. “We’re going to finally free the Hamburglar, who was obviously set up by the Deep State. It’s also time we stop this unfair witch-hunt of Carmen Sandiego, as there is no evidence of any crimes she has ever committed,” he said.

Trump also says he plans to send his sons, Eric and Donald Jr., to negotiate a real estate development deal with Burns, though the trip is on hold until it is determined which state Springfield resides in.

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