WASHINGTON, DC – Mike Pence has refused to commit to attending the 2020 Vice Presidential debate, as his wife, whom he calls “Mother,” has yet to give him permission to debate Kamala Harris.
“It’s likely there will be no audience in attendance due to the pandemic, and that means the only two people on stage will be Kamala and me,” said Pence. “There’s just no way Mother is going to allow that because I am apparently categorically incapable of controlling myself in the unsupervised presence of any woman.”
As a devout Cafeteria Christian, Pence follows a very strict set of rules that include not being alone with a person of the opposite sex, limiting himself to non-alcoholic beer, ignoring the largest HIV outbreak in his state’s history because he hates the LGBTQ community, supporting the dismantling of social safety net programs that care for the poor, and always spelling out “H-E-Double Hockey Sticks” instead of swearing.
“Each night when Mother and I relax with a tall glass of milk and pray our marriage endures even though evil fornication surrounds us, we ask ourselves, what would American Jesus do?” said Pence. “And the Bible is very clear that I must walk out of tempting situations as fast as I walk out of football stadiums where black players are expressing their freedom of speech by taking a knee during the national anthem.”
When asked for comment, Kamala Harris responded, “Mother should be worried about Vice President Pence because I plan to tear his ass up!”
