TAKOMA PARK, MD – Greg and Mary Foster waved goodbye to their obnoxious kids, leaving them at home for the first time in a year in order to finally hang out with other adults. What they didn’t expect was that their simple date night at the annual Takoma Park Day Care silent auction would end with them becoming the new owners of the Washington R*dskins.
“We still can’t believe it!” exclaimed Mary. “We went into this hoping to take home the charcuterie platter from Great Shoals Winery for less than $300. Who knew we’d bag an NFL franchise for half that amount?”
The appearance of the team on the silent auction block was an unexpected surprise stemming from an emergency NFL owners meeting last week.
“We can look the other way while Dan Snyder bilks local governments out of tax money, supports domestic abusers, and refuses to address his team’s legacy of racial division – who among us hasn’t been guilty of that?” said a source in the front office of the Pittsburgh Steelers. “But when his buffoonery hurts the prestige of the league and therefore threatens our profits, that’s where we draw the line.”
Informed that the league was prepared to force him out, Snyder opted not to sell, but instead “donate” the R*dskins to the silent auction in the hopes of reaping a massive charitable deduction and screwing over taxpayers one last time. His suggested starting bid of $2.5 billion posed a challenge to Day Care volunteer Gretchen Lowry.
“2.5 billion dollars would have been unreal. With that money we could have built a state-of-the-art campus with free tuition for everyone,” stated Lowry. “But the team is damaged goods. We had to eliminate the minimum bid or we’d get nothing.”
Immediately after eliminating the minimum, a bid war broke out on paper, with the Fosters eking out a last second victory over their only other competitor, a man named Don Schneider, who refused to stick around for an interview.
The Fosters are still processing their new status as NFL franchise owners, but they already have some fresh ideas for changes they’d like to see in Washington.
“First of all, obviously, we’re going to change the name,” said Greg. “We think the Washington Raskins is a name that our community can all get behind, and it still sounds the same when spoken by our fans from Southern Virginia.”
When asked what he felt about the name change, Congressman Jaime Raskin responded, “I’m truly honored…that is, as long as I don’t collect any money from the team, thus breaking the emoluments clause of the constitution.”
The Fosters have a goal of creating a truly Democratic Socialist experience for fans. All tickets will now be the same price regardless of location. The Raskins players will also be paid the exact same salary, regardless of their skill level or experience, and will get free healthcare and child care. Bathrooms will also be gender neutral, giving male fans their first experience of having to wait in line for 30 minutes just to pee at a public event.
The stadium luxury boxes will be repurposed as in-game yoga studios, and the field will be replaced with drought-resistant native grasses that will only be cut by old fashioned reel mowers. The city arborist plans to plant several trees on the field, which could block the view of some fans, but will offset the carbon footprint of the stadium’s Jumbotron.
The Fosters also plan to make Mark’s Kitchen the official concessions provider at the newly renamed Co-op Field, with every food and beer stand featuring both delicious vegan options and nowhere to comfortably stand while waiting in line.