City Makes New Law Requiring “Takoma” in All Business Names

As Takoma Park has become more divided over non-trivial issues, a far-left political group has emerged with the long-term goal of defining true patriotism within the city.

Using scare tactics of staging protests and boycotting stores, these uber-Municipalists convinced the city council to pass a resolution declaring that all businesses within the city limits contain “Takoma” or some variation of the word in their name.

Uber-Municipalists leading the movement rejoiced. “It’s about time we separate the truly local businesses from the Takoma-In-Name-Only ones,” stated Colleen Whitmarsh, wearing her blue Takoma Park bicycle t-shirt with a Roscoe the Rooster hat. “If you want us to shop in your store, then you need to pledge your allegiance to this great city.”

Fearing repercussions from the uber-Municipalist movement, several existing businesses immediately changed their names. WOWD Radio changed their named to Talkoma Radio, and 7-11’s illuminated signs now read “TakoMart.”

“We can’t afford to lose any business, so we just complied – no questions asked,” stated Molly Garrison of the newly named Takoma Parquet, a hardwood flooring center near the central business district.

The new butchery, just recently announced to be moving into an existing store on Carroll Avenue near the Junction, had to completely rebrand as Steakoma Pork.

The uber-Municipalist movement is also affecting multi-family housing as well. A lawsuit was recently filed between two owners of large apartment complexes on Maple Avenue over the right to call themselves “TakomApartments.”

Not only are all businesses within the city required to include “Takoma” in their name, but they also are required to hire Takoma Parkitects to design their stores and obtain building permits. Take-Home-Apart would be hired to perform demolition services.

Some newly proposed businesses, however, were rejected even though their proposed names technically met the new guidelines. Ta-Coal Mine was unanimously voted down by the approval board, as was the city’s first medical marijuana dispensary, Glaucoma Park.

While the vast majority of businesses complied to avoid backlash, a small resistance has formed and refuses to change. “There’s no way in hell I’m going to bow down to these crazies!” said one local business owner who asked to remain anonymous. “I’ll never change my restaurant’s name to TakoMark’s Kitchen!”

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